Finding Your Purpose Partner

I can recall when I was in one of my small groups and everyone was asked to prepare a purpose list in preparation for their future spouses. I sat through the reading of the lists from my unmarried group mates in complete disbelief because 1. not only were none of the lists shared NOT AT ALL purpose lists. 2. Not a single person corrected the error or followed up the lists with what a purpose list should be.

Me at the time silently judging: “Sooo we just gonna let them be wrong? Really? No one is gonna correct them? No, wait! Why did you just say that? Why did they just celebrate everyone—that was not a good job! It was wrong! …Does no one here know what a purpose list is?!"

No shade, if any of those members read this - I love you all. But I truly was thinking this that night. But I shouldn’t of judged and I should have spoken up then, instead of formulating that experience into this blog post …but transparently I couldn’t get out of my feelings at the time to speak. I shouldn’t have hoarded my wisdom and cast judgment. This post is to correct my mistakes and not to come for your necks. I’m not blasphemous anymore. From now on, I’m going to help and correct as many people as I can. I want us all to have this Kingdom knowledge and when God tells me to speak, I’m speaking.

I should've spoken up and said: “Y’all lists are great but they aren’t purpose lists, they’re I WANT lists.”

What a purpose partner list is NOT:

• Basic characteristics of your future spouse like: “I’m looking for someone nice” “My future spouse needs to like to reads books” and “They have to be someone who likes sports.”

• Accolades and characteristics you find impressive and/or attractive but have nothing to do with God. Like height or their special talents.

And lastly…

• A list of things YOU WANT your spouse to be/have.

I should have also said that day that it's impossible for YOU to have found your purpose partner if you don’t know or understand your purpose. Not saying God won’t bring them into your life, but if you don’t know who you are to God and/or are confused about what it is God created you to do — your search for your spouse can’t possibly be based on purpose because you have no idea “who” you should be looking for. You’re searching from your flesh…And you probably will end up picking from your flesh as well.

Again this is a loving correction to pass wisdom and not attack so I will use my past as an example:

My ex-fiancé is a good guy, who will one day make a good husband… That is never something that I will deny. That’s not the reason why we aren’t together anymore. As a person, he has several qualities that I admired and loved. We aren’t together anymore because he wasn’t who God intended to be my husband - he didn’t have the spiritual qualities to help me reach my purpose.

I met him at a time when I didn’t have a full understanding or devotion to who God had called to me be or what God wanted me to do in my life. I picked him from the only thing I did know about myself at the time – my flesh.

I want to clarify something too — picking from your flesh isn’t only picking someone because you think they're attractive. Your flesh has emotions, bias, traumas, and fears– you can pick from those too.

My ex and I were trauma bonded. At the time (and still to the date of me writing this) my ex was the only guy I had ever come across that SAW me, KNEW he wanted a relationship with me and PURSUED ME with respectful intention. — That last part was the key. I was the girl in school that boys would run away from or bully when they found out I had a crush on them. And if they weren’t mean to me, they would date my friends. As the girl who was always rejected, and picked over, when my ex pursued me, it made my flesh feel good. He made me feel seen and worthy of attention from the opposite sex –for something other than sex– for the first time in my life.

My flesh at the time said, “He sees me. It’s gotta be him.” My unhealed trauma picked him. My flesh didn’t look at, nor care to assess the contents or the character of his spirit. I liked the attention, we could work towards being “equally yoked”.

As our relationship progressed, I began to get more understanding of who I was. My faith got stronger and I learned from God what it was He wanted me to do with my life, my gifts, and my calling. God made it so clear that as great as my ex was, there was no way he could ever be God's choice for me. (And I couldn’t build him into it either - cause yes I tried.)

My ex, as a good person, wasn’t capable of helping me with my purpose. We were never equally yoked. Our faiths were different, our walks were different. He couldn’t hear God for me – or even WITH me. (He pretended to sometimes but I know he didn’t.) God had designed different paths for us. Our relationship didn’t naturally bring me close to God, it actually caused me to slip a couple times.

I often convinced him to do “God things” or dragged him along to my spiritual things because even though I could feel it was “off” I held on. I tried to force “our purpose”, and force God to create him into the man I needed for the purpose because he was who I chose. He was who I wanted.

As you could guess, the relationship turned unhealthy. I grew unhappy, and unfulfilled in my faith. My spiritual gifts became dull and my ex’s spiritual journey was cut to bits. We were iron and plastic. I was trying to force him into a purpose he wasn’t anointed to carry. I always felt held back, and he never felt good enough.

Spiritually, we never fully connected, happiness was always short-lived, and always felt off.

The breakup hurt like hell, and I promised God I was never going to try to force His hand in my relationships again. I want the person God chooses and not who I choose, because now I know I can’t be trusted.

Your purpose partner is someone whose gifts match and edify your own. That’s why you have to know who you are first before you start looking. There are tons of good people who will probably make a good spouse but that doesn’t mean they are supposed to be your spouse.

This is how I framed my mind when I made my purpose list:

My purpose is God is telling me at the end of my life I need to show up at heaven’s gates having built a house. The main tools I get to use? Whatever is in my toolbox (my gifts), my future husband, and whatever tools he has (or will one day acquire).

It's from that understanding that I made my list because I want to show to heaven having built the best house I could have possibly built. That means that when Bobby the 6’9, super funny and ridiculously cute doctor shows up at my door – regardless of how good he looks to me or how good he makes me feel – my first reaction is going to be to sus him out to see if 1. Did God also tell him—separate from me-- that he was also to spend his life building a house and/or 2. Does he have or is he currently working towards having – again separate from his relationship with me and on his own— the skills and/or tools to be able to help me build a house? Could I practically see us building a house together?

Doctors are great and skillful but I was called into the business of building a house, not working in a hospital and the person God has for me will be someone who is graced to help with building that house because our purposes are intertwined.

Now if you are content with an “I want” partner, ignore everything you just read. But if you want your “purpose” partner, then the list you make needs to center around God’s will for your life, not your attraction, preferences, and fleshly desires. God should choose your partner, He knows your attractions and preferences. He will bring you someone that you are attracted to. Leave the externals to him and trust that He knows what you like and will bring it in a vessel that you need.

3 tips for finding your purpose partner:

• Figure out your God-given purpose.

• Once you have a good understanding of your purpose, figure out what qualities you need in a person TO HELP WITH PURPOSE and not to satisfy your flesh.

• Then watch and compare the people you are interested in, to your list*** (check character and fruit)

*** That last one is super important and I tell this to people all the time. It’s kind of how several guys have “got me” in the past – don’t tell your potential suitors your purpose list until you know if they are or are not your list! That’s how you give people the keys to manipulate you. Someone who really wants you, but doesn’t understand or respect that a potential relationship between you two may not be God’s purpose, can and will pretend to be your list to “win you” — but that’s for another blog. I will say that the guys that tried this on me didn’t realize that the man God has for me will be graced to deal with my “crazy” and without that grace the weight of walking in purpose with me will be too heavy..

Shaping your heart and eyes to discern your purpose partner is not easy. It takes time, understanding, and truly sitting with God to allow him to show you— yourself, your purpose, and the qualities to look for in a spouse.

Hopefully, this helps someone move a little wiser in their dating season.

Good luck!