The Reason You May Be Single

We all have an ideal type. Characteristics and qualities that we are attracted to. Can I get delusional with you all for a moment and pretend this is “build a man”? In a perfect world, where I could build my husband,  I would be marrying somebody extremely tall - 6’9, fashion style like Jared Vanderbilt (Lakers), a soft low voice like Giveon, and the seemingly charming personality of Jungkook from BTS—And he has a leg sleeve… Why? I have never seen an unattractive man with a leg sleeve. His race and ethnicity don’t matter all that much to me— the most important thing is that he loves Jesus and serves Him above everything else in his life (especially himself). If a guy like that walked into a room I was in he would ABSOLUTELY have my attention.

Why am I telling you this? Because when I say to stop choosing after your preferences and choose people who line up with your purpose, that's not me trying to come off as holier than thou. I have preferences. I just truly believe that only dating men that fit into the box of preferences I constructed disrupts how God wants to move in my dating life. My preferences are more of indicators to me about myself and not restrictive parameters around who I would or would not date. I believe that there is a reason behind why you like what you like, getting to the why within your attractions may point out to you things that should go on your purpose list, and/or the prejudices and traumas that you need to work through on your journey to a relationship. 

Let’s take an example from my delusion. His height. 

I have always been more attracted to taller men and have always said “ the perfect guy ideally is extremely tall, taller than my brother but if he’s really cute then my ABSOLUTE cut-off is 6ft!”

When I made my purpose list, I didn’t want his height to be a restricting factor on who God wanted to bring me. So I really had to dissect why height was so important to me. Upon some soul-searching reason #1 I knew right off the bat. I want a tall guy because I’m petty — I want taller children than my brother. I want to give my parents the more athletic grandkids and my kids better mop the floor with my brothers in basketball. (Sorry Brodie) Height helps that.

Reason #2 I had to work a little harder to uncover. 

​I had to ask myself: What makes a taller guy more attractive to me than a shorter one? What do I feel that’s different? What I was able to unpack was when a guy is standing taller than me, I feel small and dainty. I feel a false sense of safety like “Yeah if anything pops off, my man’s got it!” And then I worked to understand why I find that feeling so attractive - I’m typically the “defender” in all my non-romantic relationships. It’s literally my namesake: Helper, Protector, Defender. Mess with my family or friends and I’m coming for you. That being said, that level of loyalty and protection it’s rarely ever reciprocated back to me. From others to me and if I’m being honest, from me to me. I spend so much time looking out for people in the natural and the spiritual that usually when bad comes my way —- I rarely ever fight back, I just take it. That’s why it’s so appealing to me to have a “tall guy” to allow me the feeling I rarely ever experience of someone committed to protecting me. BOOM —- there it is. It’s not the height I’m attracted to at all. It’s SECURITY. I’m attracted to having someone to defend my honor. Having someone to fight alongside me and on my behalf. Someone who makes me feel safe… With that understanding when I made my list I was able to talk to God and say “Well Jesus as long as the guy you send me can make me feel safe and protected, then you can bring him at whatever height You want. I don’t care.” Because what I would hate is for God to send me His perfect choice for me and I turn the guy away because the guy He sends didn’t “look the part” but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually he was everything God and I had ever talked about.

I want to be very clear. This is not me condoning settling or lowering your standards. You will be physically attracted to God's choice for you. God is a good father that gives good gifts. He, more than anyone, wants you to look at the partner He sends and wants you to go “Wow! For me?!” I am saying to be realistic with your desires and allow your God-given needs to propose your standards. Not the superficial wants or fear of lacking or missing out on a relationship.

Your goal in singleness should be to find out the most you can about yourself and your purpose. What you actually like, dislike and what you need. If you do that I promise the person will come and you will be able to discern better who they are supposed to be.